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Trip day 1: What the hell is wrong with Iowa?

July 2, 2010

Thursday, July 1, 2010

11:30 a.m.

Oh, vacation.

My friend and I are going to Janesville, Wisconsin for the Fourth of July.


We aren’t going for the beer and cheese.


We are going to watch two poor souls get hitched.

These souls are of no relation to me. The soon-to-be-married’s family member is sitting to my left.

I’m just along for the ride and to provide moral support because this isn’t an ordinary wedding. It’s a family reunion, too.

Yeah. Marital bliss plus aunt Mo-Mo’s sloppy kisses, and uncle Buzzo’s dirty looks and slurred insults all in one ‘merican fueled weekend.

It’ll be a relaxed weekend, though. Today (last night) I’ll drink, eat (the Subway and Syrah were divine. Note to self: when going away, pack a corkscrew. Using a knife to open wine isn’t sexy or recommended), and write The Brood review (yeah. That didn’t happen). Tomorrow (today) is pool and winery day (if I’m lucky). Saturday is the wedding. Sunday we sit around and talk about my friend’s embarrassing life moments (yesss). Monday we leave.

4:39 p.m.

We just made it through Des Moines, Iowa.

What are the entertaining things I’ve seen so far, you ask?

~ a restaurant named “Toot Toot”… This pretty much made my day.

~ a slew of signs telling of a mystical casino named “Terrible’s”. I figured we’d pass by the actual casino so I could see the terribleness for myself. Alas, we only drove by a gigantic 50-foot sign in the shape of Mr. Terrible. This was enough for me to decide that yes, this casino was most likely terrible, indeed.

Terrible, isn't it?

~ many Amish craft centers.

~ many truckers like acknowledging my legs, which are propped up on the front dashboard, with a nod and a tilt of the hat.

~ a Basset Hound!

I was able to admire all of this while listening to my Beck collection (we’re currently on Midnight Vultures).

Yes. I’ve got my chain smoke Kansas flash-dance ass pants on, and I’ve got my Cadillac pants in my suitcase. I’m prepared.

5:57 p.m.

Mile marker 251 ~ my friend points out three creepy signs of pained, pieced together collage faces on the right side of the highway. Thanks, Iowa!

You're welcome, boys.

6:51 p.m.

While driving through the Midwest to the North, I’ve noticed something (to my dismay). I’m 25 percent hipster and 75 percent tech-kid/giant child ~

*looks down at Mac, BlackBerry, iPod playing the click-clacky sounds of Pantha Du Prince ~ notices all the holes in my jeans, the pretzel crumbs on my shirt, my cons and shoelaces with spastic designs ~ looks up and sees how messy and unkempt my hair is, my oversized sun glasses*

Damn. Damn. Damn.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. July 2, 2010 5:15 pm

    Terrible’s is actually a pretty big chain of Casinos and Gas Stations that has its roots here in Vegas. I’d never actually seen one till I moved here. They’re based on the mythic life of one Terrible Herbst, a Robin Hood-like figure who took his loot accumulated from years of rapin’ and pillagin’, and turned it into affordable luxury casinos, and convenience stores that have supplied me with twinkies… but to my dismay don’t seem to carry condoms, a fact that occurred to me at the worst possible moment…

    Best part is while you gas up, Terrible comes on over the loud speaker and a screen on the pump lights up with a bunch of faces, “Hey pardners! Here’s a bunch of pesky varmits done run out on payin’ for their gas! If you can wrangle ’em up, you could get $100 for yer help!” … or something. Bounties! I feel like Boba Fett every time I fill up my tank.

    • Abbie Stutzer permalink
      July 2, 2010 6:22 pm

      Oh, Christ that is sexy. And, hey. At least you thought about buying the condoms. Pretty sure it’s best that the Terrible’s doesn’t carry condoms. They would probably have holes in them (that he shot) and when your lady got all preggers, you’d hear a voice say, “HeHa! Now yer gonna have some lil’ varmits of yer own, sucker!”

  2. Abbie Stutzer permalink
    July 2, 2010 6:16 pm

    Ooohhh. Okay. Iowa, F yes:

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