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RIP, bb

August 20, 2013
Similar to this man rising from the grave, my writing will, too. In fact it already has.

Similar to this man rising from the grave, my writing will, too. In fact it already has.

But not really! I’m just moving over here: Ginchy Words by Abbie Stutzer

I’ll still blog about death, sex and horror — don’t worry! See you over yonder in a click or two.

Image credit: AZAdam

My retirement plan

June 30, 2013
Abbie's death march

Well, I say. Today looks like a fine day for my final swim.

A lot of people say, “Say! I plan on retiring in style.”

To that I remark, “Good plan, but what do you think is stylish and comfortable?”

At this point, the person I’m speaking with typically starts to list mundane future plans. He wants to go to Florida. Perhaps get a club membership.

*shrugs shoulders*

You know what I want to do when I retire? Here’s my plan:

The pre-aging process:

Once my hair begins to grey, I plan on dying my locks a pleasant purple hue. I will wear my long purple hairs in Princess Leia buns every day.

My retirement transportation:

A fleet of basset hounds will pull me around town in a carriage. My furry friends will pull me everywhere I need to go. I plan on naming them:

johnny_LaszloNagyHUJohnny

Kermit looking around the corner on Van Damme BeachJune

dollycarl_MarilynJaneDolly and Carl

LorettaOliver_JWyniaLoretta and Oliver

Kitty_soundfromwayoutKitty

OtisOtis

My funeral:

We will meet soon, dear foe.

We will meet soon, dear foe.

When I’m ready to kick it (die, pass away, etc., etc.), I plan on fighting a great white shark to the death. I will punch, kick and yell to no avail. This, my friends, will be the ultimate burial at sea.

Do any of you think of retirement often? Do you have an elaborate plan such as mine? Do tell.

Images:

Jenschapter3

Laszlo Nagy HU

donjd2

MarilynJane

soundfromwayout

JWynia

hermanusbackpackers

Look at me, acting all fancy pants

June 8, 2013
Let's replace that candy bar with a glass of red and we'll be good to go.

Let’s replace that candy bar with a glass of red and we’ll be good to go.

And by fancy pants, I mean I’ve started a full-time, full-service freelance writing and editing business. Ginchy, the LLC, includes ginchy words, and work created at my former place of business (aka, “Abbie Stutzer…writes!,” or something like that. But not really that.”)

So, why have I done this? Basically, over the last 12 months I’ve got an insane amount of traffic from people who like my crazy, rantings and ravings, and they want little ol’ me to transform their words into awesome-pants copy. So, if they view me as…professional (so nutso)…I better be…professional. Hence, this is a business-y page. Don’t fret, weirdo readers. I’ll still write about all the crazy here. And believe me — I’ve plenty of it I’ve just been waiting to write about.

In the next few weeks, I’ll populate the new site with various posts and insights on writing and the writing business. Along with my new work, rates and all that other stellar stuff.

To celebrate, let’s watch Joel Gion play the tambourine. OK? OK.

Image: Bright Meadow

Antiviral and Spring Breakers: let’s get infected and live foreva

April 13, 2013
Oh, hell yes.

Oh, hell yes.

I’ve had the pleasure of watching a lot of movies over the last few days. Here are three brief reviews of each:

Thursday: Blue Valentine

I wanted to feel, like, very sad that night. I succeeded! Let me tell you how that went:

“Oh, dear god. Why has Ryan Gosling channeled the personality of four of my ex-boyfriends? Why…”

Friday: Antiviral

Have you every pondered how swell it would be to be infected with the same strain of herpes that afflicts your favorite celebrity? Not really? You’re not alone. And you’d think with a premiss such as that (let’s get infected with this star’s herpes), this film would be way interesting. But it’s not.

Antiviral follows a young man who sells stars’ sexy viruses to the public, but secretly, he’s just as obsessed with these viruses as his clients. He drinks, injects and pretty much eye fucks these viruses. Then one day, he infects himself with something that’s not so curable…sounds great, right?

Sadly, the vast majority of the film is not as amazing as I was hoping. I did enjoy a lot of the story (the celebrity “meat” and cell gardens as well as the faces of the virus bit — those who sell the virus have a machine that shows them how the virus “looks”).

However, kind of a bonus for women who like men that look like Nosferatu (probably just me), Caleb Landry Jones looks all insect-y and pale and generally not well. To me, that equals a win. A hot, sick win.

Hot.

Hot.

What to do? The film is beautiful and odd — the shots are crisp and bright. It’s worth it, but don’t expect a lot in the dialogue department.

Saturday: Spring Breakers

It’s everything you think it will be and not a lot more, but then, it is.

I mean, there are many tits and asses to gaze upon (men and women are equally exploited in the visual department, I think.) And yes, there’s a lot of sex, drugs and crazy-stupid parties, but what else is new. The premise (the parties and the drinking as well as the behavior of the characters) is nothing new. Most anyone who has gone to college has likely experienced “those” kinds of parties.

However, I really liked how the four main ladies were portrayed in Spring Breakers. All of them were able to guide their own stories, and were capable enough to pull themselves out of (or into) situations they didn’t/did want to be party to. No one was exploited by other characters in the film — if anything, they all thrived off each other in unique ways.

The film’s weak points: too many repeated scene sequences, and too long. I really think this would have made an amazing short film. Oh well. That’s just my taste.

What to do? This film is worth it. Please go watch it.

So, what do you all think? Have any of you seen the above films? Did you like ‘em?

Image credits:

Spring Breakers

I want to bite you

Who knew Origami could be so fun?

April 12, 2013
Vintage: Condoms of the past.

Vintage: Condoms of the past.

Safer sex just got a lot more, uh, arty?

Meet the Origami condom. It’s a collapsible, silicone condom that’s supposed to be a stronger, more comfortable latex condom alternative.

 

And while all of that is incredibly great, the newfangled condom will also come in various types. Look for male, female and anal condoms! Look forward to this sexy sex in 2015.

 

 

Thanks to Bust Magazine for the info.

Image: Hey Paul Studios

 

 

You’re all going to die tonight

April 8, 2013

So, you all know I love horror. Knowing that, I bet you’re very surprised – shocked, even – that I saw Evil Dead this weekend (assume from this point forward I will most likely type something you will not want to read if you haven’t seen the movie yet.)

This fucking guy.

This fucking guy.

Did I like the remake? I loved it. I’m incredibly happy that the film was not a shot-by-shot remake, but a re-imagining of the classic, cult film.

While the remake was a bit darker and much bloodier than the original, there was still a great bit of funny in the movie. Case in points:

– The dialogue was absolutely hilarious at times. Example: when the blonde, bloody female exclaimed, “why does my face hurt?” after one of her friends shot a dozen nails in her skull.

– The brother saving the sister montage. All it needed was a classic rock guitar solo and the scene would have been perfection.

– Face vomit. Because nothing is funnier than face vomit.

And I should add that I’m happy the remake had a female survivor (of rape, demon possession, etc., etc.) I know many of my fellow feminists are pissed the director kept the forest rape in the film, but come on, people — it’s a bloody horror film. Rape is horrific. It wasn’t like this rape was funny – it was disgusting. Sure, the audience reacted to the scene with laughter/groans/shielded eyes/awkward giggles/clapping, but for goodness sake – that was their reaction to everything that was gross in the film. And at least in this version of Evil Dead the woman gets to stick it to the rape perpetrator via chainsaw. So. Incredibly. Satisfying.

So, have any of you seen the new Evil Dead? What did you think about Ash’s cameo?

photo credit: Evil Dead movie site

Look who’s living the good life now

April 7, 2013

So, remember that weak, little pup I literally ran across a few weeks back?

Dog days

Dusty Rhodes is living the good life this fine Sunday morning.

Well, he’s much stronger now.

I was able to adopt him! Mr. Dusty Rhodes is taking to apartment life very well. He and my beagle get along, too. It took Daphne a week or so to adapt to the new doggie addition, but she’s since become accustom to Dusty’s weird ways (Dusty tries to give Daphne baths (and clean her ears…?), and cuddles with her…by sitting on her head.)

Let's play some D&D (aka Daphne and Dusty games.)

Let’s play some D&D (aka Daphne and Dusty games.)

After he came home, he did come down with a nasty upper respiratory infection. He had to stay at the “doggie hospital” for a night and take two rounds of big-ass antibiotics. He’s recovering well now, though — despite his perpetually snot-drippy nose.

Luckily, he hasn’t had any accidents so far, and is pretty great on walks (besides being an over-excited puppy — yes, he’s only 8 months old.)

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