A lot of people say, “Say! I plan on retiring in style.”
To that I remark, “Good plan, but what do you think is stylish and comfortable?”
At this point, the person I’m speaking with typically starts to list mundane future plans. He wants to go to Florida. Perhaps get a club membership.
You know what I want to do when I retire? Here’s my plan:
The pre-aging process:
Once my hair begins to grey, I plan on dying my locks a pleasant purple hue. I will wear my long purple hairs in Princess Leia buns every day.
My retirement transportation:
A fleet of basset hounds will pull me around town in a carriage. My furry friends will pull me everywhere I need to go. I plan on naming them:
When I’m ready to kick it (die, pass away, etc., etc.), I plan on fighting a great white shark to the death. I will punch, kick and yell to no avail. This, my friends, will be the ultimate burial at sea.
Do any of you think of retirement often? Do you have an elaborate plan such as mine? Do tell.
And by fancy pants, I mean I’ve started a full-time, full-service freelance writing and editing business. Ginchy, the LLC, includes ginchy words, and work created at my former place of business (aka, “Abbie Stutzer…writes!,” or something like that. But not really that.”)
So, why have I done this? Basically, over the last 12 months I’ve got an insane amount of traffic from people who like my crazy, rantings and ravings, and they want little ol’ me to transform their words into awesome-pants copy. So, if they view me as…professional (so nutso)…I better be…professional. Hence, this is a business-y page. Don’t fret, weirdo readers. I’ll still write about all the crazy here. And believe me — I’ve plenty of it I’ve just been waiting to write about.
In the next few weeks, I’ll populate the new site with various posts and insights on writing and the writing business. Along with my new work, rates and all that other stellar stuff.
To celebrate, let’s watch Joel Gion play the tambourine. OK? OK.
Image: Bright Meadow
Safer sex just got a lot more, uh, arty?
Meet the Origami condom. It’s a collapsible, silicone condom that’s supposed to be a stronger, more comfortable latex condom alternative.
And while all of that is incredibly great, the newfangled condom will also come in various types. Look for male, female and anal condoms! Look forward to this sexy sex in 2015.
Image: Hey Paul Studios
So, you all know I love horror. Knowing that, I bet you’re very surprised – shocked, even – that I saw Evil Dead this weekend (assume from this point forward I will most likely type something you will not want to read if you haven’t seen the movie yet.)
Did I like the remake? I loved it. I’m incredibly happy that the film was not a shot-by-shot remake, but a re-imagining of the classic, cult film.
While the remake was a bit darker and much bloodier than the original, there was still a great bit of funny in the movie. Case in points:
– The dialogue was absolutely hilarious at times. Example: when the blonde, bloody female exclaimed, “why does my face hurt?” after one of her friends shot a dozen nails in her skull.
– The brother saving the sister montage. All it needed was a classic rock guitar solo and the scene would have been perfection.
– Face vomit. Because nothing is funnier than face vomit.
And I should add that I’m happy the remake had a female survivor (of rape, demon possession, etc., etc.) I know many of my fellow feminists are pissed the director kept the forest rape in the film, but come on, people — it’s a bloody horror film. Rape is horrific. It wasn’t like this rape was funny – it was disgusting. Sure, the audience reacted to the scene with laughter/groans/shielded eyes/awkward giggles/clapping, but for goodness sake – that was their reaction to everything that was gross in the film. And at least in this version of Evil Dead the woman gets to stick it to the rape perpetrator via chainsaw. So. Incredibly. Satisfying.
So, have any of you seen the new Evil Dead? What did you think about Ash’s cameo?
photo credit: Evil Dead movie site
So, remember that weak, little pup I literally ran across a few weeks back?
Well, he’s much stronger now.
I was able to adopt him! Mr. Dusty Rhodes is taking to apartment life very well. He and my beagle get along, too. It took Daphne a week or so to adapt to the new doggie addition, but she’s since become accustom to Dusty’s weird ways (Dusty tries to give Daphne baths (and clean her ears…?), and cuddles with her…by sitting on her head.)
After he came home, he did come down with a nasty upper respiratory infection. He had to stay at the “doggie hospital” for a night and take two rounds of big-ass antibiotics. He’s recovering well now, though — despite his perpetually snot-drippy nose.
Luckily, he hasn’t had any accidents so far, and is pretty great on walks (besides being an over-excited puppy — yes, he’s only 8 months old.)