RIP, bb
Similar to this man rising from the grave, my writing will, too. In fact it already has.
But not really! I’m just moving over here: Ginchy Words by Abbie Stutzer
I’ll still blog about death, sex and horror — don’t worry! See you over yonder in a click or two.
Image credit: AZAdam
My retirement plan
Well, I say. Today looks like a fine day for my final swim.
A lot of people say, “Say! I plan on retiring in style.”
To that I remark, “Good plan, but what do you think is stylish and comfortable?”
At this point, the person I’m speaking with typically starts to list mundane future plans. He wants to go to Florida. Perhaps get a club membership.
*shrugs shoulders*
You know what I want to do when I retire? Here’s my plan:
The pre-aging process:
Once my hair begins to grey, I plan on dying my locks a pleasant purple hue. I will wear my long purple hairs in Princess Leia buns every day.
My retirement transportation:
A fleet of basset hounds will pull me around town in a carriage. My furry friends will pull me everywhere I need to go. I plan on naming them:
Johnny
June
Dolly and Carl
Loretta and Oliver
Kitty
Otis
My funeral:
We will meet soon, dear foe.
When I’m ready to kick it (die, pass away, etc., etc.), I plan on fighting a great white shark to the death. I will punch, kick and yell to no avail. This, my friends, will be the ultimate burial at sea.
Do any of you think of retirement often? Do you have an elaborate plan such as mine? Do tell.
Images:
Look at me, acting all fancy pants
Let’s replace that candy bar with a glass of red and we’ll be good to go.
And by fancy pants, I mean I’ve started a full-time, full-service freelance writing and editing business. Ginchy, the LLC, includes ginchy words, and work created at my former place of business (aka, “Abbie Stutzer…writes!,” or something like that. But not really that.”)
So, why have I done this? Basically, over the last 12 months I’ve got an insane amount of traffic from people who like my crazy, rantings and ravings, and they want little ol’ me to transform their words into awesome-pants copy. So, if they view me as…professional (so nutso)…I better be…professional. Hence, this is a business-y page. Don’t fret, weirdo readers. I’ll still write about all the crazy here. And believe me — I’ve plenty of it I’ve just been waiting to write about.
In the next few weeks, I’ll populate the new site with various posts and insights on writing and the writing business. Along with my new work, rates and all that other stellar stuff.
To celebrate, let’s watch Joel Gion play the tambourine. OK? OK.
Image: Bright Meadow
Oh, hell yes.
I’ve had the pleasure of watching a lot of movies over the last few days. Here are three brief reviews of each:
Thursday: Blue Valentine
I wanted to feel, like, very sad that night. I succeeded! Let me tell you how that went:
“Oh, dear god. Why has Ryan Gosling channeled the personality of four of my ex-boyfriends? Why…”
Friday: Antiviral
Have you every pondered how swell it would be to be infected with the same strain of herpes that afflicts your favorite celebrity? Not really? You’re not alone. And you’d think with a premiss such as that (let’s get infected with this star’s herpes), this film would be way interesting. But it’s not.
Antiviral follows a young man who sells stars’ sexy viruses to the public, but secretly, he’s just as obsessed with these viruses as his clients. He drinks, injects and pretty much eye fucks these viruses. Then one day, he infects himself with something that’s not so curable…sounds great, right?
Sadly, the vast majority of the film is not as amazing as I was hoping. I did enjoy a lot of the story (the celebrity “meat” and cell gardens as well as the faces of the virus bit — those who sell the virus have a machine that shows them how the virus “looks”).
However, kind of a bonus for women who like men that look like Nosferatu (probably just me), Caleb Landry Jones looks all insect-y and pale and generally not well. To me, that equals a win. A hot, sick win.
Hot.
What to do? The film is beautiful and odd — the shots are crisp and bright. It’s worth it, but don’t expect a lot in the dialogue department.
Saturday: Spring Breakers
It’s everything you think it will be and not a lot more, but then, it is.
I mean, there are many tits and asses to gaze upon (men and women are equally exploited in the visual department, I think.) And yes, there’s a lot of sex, drugs and crazy-stupid parties, but what else is new. The premise (the parties and the drinking as well as the behavior of the characters) is nothing new. Most anyone who has gone to college has likely experienced “those” kinds of parties.
However, I really liked how the four main ladies were portrayed in Spring Breakers. All of them were able to guide their own stories, and were capable enough to pull themselves out of (or into) situations they didn’t/did want to be party to. No one was exploited by other characters in the film — if anything, they all thrived off each other in unique ways.
The film’s weak points: too many repeated scene sequences, and too long. I really think this would have made an amazing short film. Oh well. That’s just my taste.
What to do? This film is worth it. Please go watch it.
So, what do you all think? Have any of you seen the above films? Did you like ’em?
Image credits:
Who knew Origami could be so fun?
Vintage: Condoms of the past.
Safer sex just got a lot more, uh, arty?
Meet the Origami condom. It’s a collapsible, silicone condom that’s supposed to be a stronger, more comfortable latex condom alternative.
And while all of that is incredibly great, the newfangled condom will also come in various types. Look for male, female and anal condoms! Look forward to this sexy sex in 2015.
Thanks to Bust Magazine for the info.
Image: Hey Paul Studios
You’re all going to die tonight
So, you all know I love horror. Knowing that, I bet you’re very surprised – shocked, even – that I saw Evil Dead this weekend (assume from this point forward I will most likely type something you will not want to read if you haven’t seen the movie yet.)
This fucking guy.
Did I like the remake? I loved it. I’m incredibly happy that the film was not a shot-by-shot remake, but a re-imagining of the classic, cult film.
While the remake was a bit darker and much bloodier than the original, there was still a great bit of funny in the movie. Case in points:
— The dialogue was absolutely hilarious at times. Example: when the blonde, bloody female exclaimed, “why does my face hurt?” after one of her friends shot a dozen nails in her skull.
— The brother saving the sister montage. All it needed was a classic rock guitar solo and the scene would have been perfection.
— Face vomit. Because nothing is funnier than face vomit.
And I should add that I’m happy the remake had a female survivor (of rape, demon possession, etc., etc.) I know many of my fellow feminists are pissed the director kept the forest rape in the film, but come on, people — it’s a bloody horror film. Rape is horrific. It wasn’t like this rape was funny – it was disgusting. Sure, the audience reacted to the scene with laughter/groans/shielded eyes/awkward giggles/clapping, but for goodness sake – that was their reaction to everything that was gross in the film. And at least in this version of Evil Dead the woman gets to stick it to the rape perpetrator via chainsaw. So. Incredibly. Satisfying.
So, have any of you seen the new Evil Dead? What did you think about Ash’s cameo?
photo credit: Evil Dead movie site
Look who’s living the good life now
So, remember that weak, little pup I literally ran across a few weeks back?
Dusty Rhodes is living the good life this fine Sunday morning.
Well, he’s much stronger now.
I was able to adopt him! Mr. Dusty Rhodes is taking to apartment life very well. He and my beagle get along, too. It took Daphne a week or so to adapt to the new doggie addition, but she’s since become accustom to Dusty’s weird ways (Dusty tries to give Daphne baths (and clean her ears…?), and cuddles with her…by sitting on her head.)
Let’s play some D&D (aka Daphne and Dusty games.)
After he came home, he did come down with a nasty upper respiratory infection. He had to stay at the “doggie hospital” for a night and take two rounds of big-ass antibiotics. He’s recovering well now, though — despite his perpetually snot-drippy nose.
Luckily, he hasn’t had any accidents so far, and is pretty great on walks (besides being an over-excited puppy — yes, he’s only 8 months old.)
Ah, how quickly life changes: Stray dog edition
What’s the worst/best thing in the world? Finding a stray dog.
Said stray dog in question. I am calling him sweet boy dog for now.
His details:
- Boy shepherd, about 8 months to 2-years-old.
- Found in Case Park in Quality Hill, KCMO.
- Golden brown, with white belly.
- No tags.
- Pointy ears.
- Responds to baby talk.
I am happy I found this dog because:
a. He was weak as hell: I was finishing up my long-ass run with Daphne, my beagle. She saw the pup and freaked out (happy shakes, not scared), which alerted me. I knew something was wrong with him because he seemed excited to see her, but just couldn’t move. I bookmarked the dog’s location in my mind and knew – even though I had convinced myself, “I’m not sure if I’ll go back” – that indeed, I was going back.
b. He really did need to get off the streets: dog + being near a highway = sure way to die.
Worst because:
a. Someone gave him up, or lost him: I’ve lost Daphne before and it’s horrible. I am so lucky that I found her (thanks so her microchip, kind citizens, and in one case — her nose) each time she’s escaped. If this dog isn’t lost, someone let him go. Abandoning a pet on the streets is just, ugh, I can’t even get into my feelings on that.
b. I want him: but I already have a dog. How will they interact if I adopt him? He may eat everything. And then pee and poop on it, throw it up, and then tear a hole in the floor, which will make my dog pee and poop on whatever it was he threw up, etc. The cycle is never-ending. Animals – so giving.
I’ll get more information about his adoptable status on Monday after a vet checks him out. If I take him, or not, I will keep tabs on him until I know where he is, and that he is safe. Hell, I hope that he has an owner who is searching for him and sees this post. Sadly, though, I think someone abandoned sweet dog boy.
Anyhow, as you all can tell, Saturday (the day I found the dog) was a traumatic day. To help myself get through Saturday I:
Hint: This is not the photo I downloaded.
Found all these wonderful photos and gifs of The Man Who Fell To Earth. I downloaded one of the photos and made it my desktop background. Not telling you which one it is…
Made this playlist to take my mind off it for the time being:
If you ever find a dog, or pet, here’s what to do (all the great information comes from Wayward Dogs, a great, local (Kansas City) blog.)
Let’s work it out, baby
Yes, that’s a snow blower putting snow back on the roadway. I know, I know — people need to walk (including me.) I’m just mean.
Hey, you guys. It snowed in Kansas City today! Like, I’m typing (Internet talking) 12-plus inches of snow. So, the entire city basically shut down. The office workplace closed and I relaxed, and worked in my sweats with my hair in Princess Leia buns.
I also did my weight and yoga routine because, duh – I go absolutely, bat crazy if I don’t move enough every day. Normally, on a no-snow day, I go to the gym and run. Today that wasn’t an option. So, I decided to go old-school aerobics and do an at-home cardio routine.
I stumbled upon this. It looks easy enough, right? I mean, I’m a lady who runs, like, five miles every day – I can totally kick this regimen’s ass. HAHA. It was my ass that was kicked. After finishing the workout, I believe I said, “dear god. That exercise was akin to being strapped down and having the devil dangle his hell-fire tinged testicles a centimeter above your nose.”
Graphic! And factual (probably.)
But the exercise worked. I was pooped. Tired. It actually reminded me of when I used to workout with my mom. When I was about six years old, I would sit parallel to my mom and we’d do the Jane Fonda workout. By the end, I was always tired. And, honestly, amazed at how bend-y my mom was (and is, for the record.)
So, while the workout was painful and reminded me why I used to hate breaking a sweat and going to gym class, it was ultimately useful, cardio-rific and memory inducing.
Don’t fear the white stuff
I mean, of course I’m wearing my “ball socks” — they encourage it to snow!
Everyone, and I mean everyone, from Kansas City to Lawrence, has their drawers in a bunch over the impending snowstorm. After all, it’s “going to be the biggest storm in two years!” (said every news station and newspaper because, yeah, it will be, but that’s not saying much considering the region got zero inches of snow last year.)
I’m not sweating the snow because I can easily work from home — one of the many perks of being a writer. I didn’t stock up on food or anything, though, so I may eat a really low-rent chili (half a can of corn and tomatoes, plus a can of beans – mmm, mmm, good.) Juuuusst kidding. I saved some falafel, salad, carrots, zucchini, quinoa crackers, and curry hummus for this occasion. Oh, and did I mention the winter beer? Yeah, will be lots of winter beer.
The snow may give me a bit of extra time, too. I’ll use that time to meditate and take some “inspirational” Instagram photos of the snow. And about the meditation – one of my many New Year’s resolutions — it’s going well! And by well, I mean it’s making me more stressed because I’m even more tuned to my body and my mind’s insane ramblings. But, hey, who cares?! At least I’m getting to know myself a little better every day.
I purchased the lovely socks pictured above from ModCloth.com. Amazing site, fun clothing and enjoyable blog!
What I’m listening to today: Beacon, “Bring You Back”
The good ol' ginchy blog 